


but am i really lovable?

by shotastic



Series: Sometimes i need to cry, too [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Awkward Kissing, Best Friends, Crushes, Crying, Depressed Oikawa Tooru, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Iwaizumi Hajime is a Good Boyfriend, M/M, Protective Iwaizumi Hajime, Punishment, Sad Oikawa Tooru, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:22:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21953605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shotastic/pseuds/shotastic
Summary: sequel to 'punishment', maybe read that first.it's been some time, oikawa did well.or so he thought.but in between tears and self doubt, iwaizumi was there.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Series: Sometimes i need to cry, too [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1506062
Comments: 3
Kudos: 338





	but am i really lovable?

**Author's Note:**

> merry merry christmas everyone! i'm sorry it took me so long, I really have a hard time writing more cute/recovery like stuff.
> 
> please leave comments! check out my other works as well, only if you want of course.

it's been a few days, maybe two or three. or four? oikawa had lost count, if he was being honest.

all he remembered was the sleepless nights filled with tears, shaking hands and an aching head. 

iwaizumi was with him the whole time, but really his presence didn't really help.

in fact, it made everything worse.

_"iwaizumi, let go of me!", oikawa cried as he kept pulling his hand from his friend's grip._

_the voices were unbearable, he had to do it._

_punishment, punishment, punishment._

_but obviously, iwaizumi was stronger, he had always been._

_and so he pulled oikawa to his chest, holding him tightly while the other was fighting against his grip and the endless noise in his head._

how long has it been?

the last punishment oikawa remembered was the ice cold bath. sighing, he was playing with his pen while he sat in his bed.

iwaizumi had forbidden him to leave his apartment as long as he felt sick and now he didn't have a lot to do. 

he was alone though.

iwaizumi just couldn't skip his lectures because of him.

_punishment, punishment, punishment_.

"stop", oikawa muttered. "iwa-chan will be disappointed in me.", he said and yet he was getting up. 

but, wait- what had he done wrong?

"iwa-chan saw me. iwa-chan knows now. i've missed many lectures, too...", he started listing everything he, in his opinion, had done wrong.

the list was long. 

"how can i punish myself for so many things?", whining, oikawa made his way to the kitchen.

_he could hurt himself again._

_no._

_he could pour hot water over his hands._

_no._

_he could poison himself._

_no._

it wasn't enough.

it would never be enough. 

sighing, oikawa got a cup of water and sat down at the table.

when would iwaizumi come back? oikawa didn't know.

could cold water cause memory loss? oikawa... didn't know.

**oikawa, 1.13PM** : when will you come home, iwa-chan?

**oikawa, 1.13PM** : no, actually- to my apartment? **oikawa, 1.14PM** : it's weird to talk about this on the phone but...

he had promised it.

_"how bad is it?", iwaizumi asked as he stroked oikawa's head. "sometimes...", he started, not really knowing how to explain the madness in his head, "sometimes it's just simple things. like, when i fail to cook something...there's this ugly voice yelling at me. or is it whispering? i don't know, iwa-chan...", sighing, oikawa rubbed his eyes._

_he was tired._

_"voice? what is it saying?", as if he couldn't already imagine it._

_"punishment.", oikawa whispered and hid his face in iwaizumis shoulder._

_his best friend was warm. and touching his crush, who was his best friend (what a coincidence, right?) spred the warmth all over his body._

_he could feel it everywhere, from the tips of his ears to his toes, like blood it was spreading everywhere, all the time._

_oikawa really liked iwaizumi hajime._

_but no one had to know that._

he had promised it. 

**oikawa, 1.17PM** : how do i explain this...

**oikawa, 1.17PM** : wait, are you even free right now? or are you in the middle of something? 

oikawa tooru had promised iwaizumi hajime.

_"iwa-chan, it yells at me all the time. no matter if i do something wrong or not, it makes my fingers tingle and i start craving it, you know? i want to hurt myself- no, i want to punish myself."_

_iwaizumi kept silent._

_and oikawa started sobbing._

_"it hurts, iwa-chan. i just want to be normal again, but i don't even know what's normal! what if that's how it's supposed to be? what if i..."_

_"oikawa-", whatever iwaizumi wanted to say and how important it might be, oikawa didn't listen._

_he listened to his cries, to the voice, to the sound of iwaizumi's fast beating heart (why was it beating so fast? why? was he scared? nervous? was he sick? it was beating so irregular and it was freaking him out)._

_"it's just, i'm so bad at everything, iwaizumi. i'm bad at serving, cooking, studying - and everytime i do a damn mistake there's this voice in my head and-" oikawa sobbed loudly again._

_"I can't do this anymore. I want to be loved one day but how? isn't it too late already?"_

_and whatever it was that iwaizumi struggled to say, oikawa wouldn't know._

**oikawa, 1.24PM** : i promised you to tell you.

**oikawa, 1.24PM** : so if you're able to talk, even if just for a few minutes...

**oikawa, 1.25PM** : please call me. 

**oikawa, 1.29PM** : i'm scared, iwa-chan.

oikawa sighed as he turned off his phone, putting it down. what was he supposed to do now?

_burn your hand._

_no._

_cut your tongue._

_no._

_cut off your hair._

_no._

_burn your hand, cut off your hair, cut your tongue, eat a tide pod,_

_burn your hand, cut off your hair, cut your tongue, eat a tide pod, burn your hand, cut off your hair, cut your tongue, eat a tide pod, burn you-_

"shut up!", oikawa yelled, throwing the cup at the wall. it shattered with a loud noise.

it was oikawa's favourite cup.

"just shut fucking up! god, you're so annoying. always telling me to do dumb stuff, do you even have any braincells left? who the fuck are you even? and who allows you to control me like that?" he buried his face in his hands, mumbling nonsense and insulting someone he didn't know.

maybe he was even talking to himself at that point.

oikawa wanted to get better, he really did. though he knew he'd never ever have a chance to be with iwaizumi, a part of his (calm) mind told him that only, if he got better, if he got normal again, then iwaizumi would love him back.

"oikawa!" speaking of the devil, iwaizumi hajime came running to the kitchen, breathing heavily. "I've read your messages. are you al- the hell did you do?" with a shocked expression, his best friend looked down to the shattered cup.

"the voice was there again.", oikawa mumbled and massaged his temples. "it kept on telling me to do bullshit, so i got angry, yelled at it for being so stupid and threw the cup. i'm sorry."

somehow, iwaizumi wasn't angry. "really?", walking up to him, iwaizumi punched his shoulder lightly and rubbed his hair. "that's amazing, shittykawa!" iwaizumi grinned.

he was happy.

oikawa was happy, too.

"I want to get better, iwa-chan. i'll always be a perfectionist, but i don't want to hurt myself because of it."

and with those words, oikawa's recovery journey finally began.

(iwaizumi had never left his side.)

"ah, I messed up today at practice!", oikawa whined, picking up one ball after another. "i'm sorry, iwa-chan." pouting cutely, he looked at his best friend, who was currently cleaning the gym's floor.

"shut up, shittykawa. why would you apologise to me, you dumb idiot."

why was iwaizumi blushing?

"Iwa-chan!" oikawa walked over to his friend, putting his hand on his forehead. "you're really red, are you alright? also, don't call me a dumb idiot, iwa-chan!"

whine, whine, whine.

oikawa liked whining.

and iwaizumi thought it was cute.

"d-don't touch me! you filthy idiot!", iwaizumi shook off his friend's hand and oikawa pouted again.

"now that was just plain rude."

"shut up."

"make me."

and now iwaizumi turned even redder, coughing loudly. "w-what?" eyes widen, his friend looked at oikawa but he was just rolling his eyes, placing the last ball away.

"can't you hear? I told you to make me shut up, if you want me quiet so bad." then, as if a sudden light bulb turned on in iwaizumi's mind, he let out a loud, annoyed groan

"you're so dumb, trashykawa. what am i supposed to do? punch you? i'd love to, come here you little shit!"

with that, oikawa started screaming while running away from iwaizumi, who kept aiming his fists at him. sadly, this was not exactly what oikawa had meant, but maybe he'd understand it another time.

"I don't want to watch heathers again, we've watched at least three times already!", iwaizumi whined as he stretched his legs out, placing both of them on the little couch table in front of him. "and each time it's hilarious. c'mon, iwa-chan! just once more!", he pouted at his best friend, who eventually sighed and nodded.

happily, oikawa hugged his, very warm and buff, best friend (seriously, he was so warm oikawa didn't want to let him go anymore.), pressing himself close to him "thank you, iwa-chan! i could kiss you right now, that's how happy I am!"

oikawa wanted to pull away.

iwaizumi wanted him to stay.

and suddenly, there was this long, awkward silence.

"uh, iwa-chan", oikawa mumbled getting way too comfortable in his best friend's arms "don't you want to let me go?" iwaizumi just shook his head.

"do what you'd said you'd do...", he whispered, hiding his red face in oikawa's locks.

this time, oikawa managed to pull away. "I've never done it before, so it could be a little awkward..."

"just do it already, dumbass."

and with that, oikawa tooru slowly put his shaking hands on iwaizumi's warm, red tinted cheeks, not exactly knowing what to do.

he always knew that his friendship with iwaizumi was a little... different. they were closer. but... now, after unforrunately developong a big, big crush on his best friend, being in a situation like that had left him overthinking way too much.

should he just get closer? put his lips on his? just like that? had he eaten garlic before? or anything else that had left a bad taste on his lips? oikawa now wished he could just pull away. 

well, here goes nothing.

he gulped.

and kissed him.

it was weird, feeling someone else's lips on his. hearing small smacking sounds, feeling his lips move.

their first kiss definitely was an interesting kiss, especially when oikawa had to push iwaizumi away in order to sneeze.

_punishment, punishment, punishment._

well, he hadn't heard that voice for a long time.

he did something wrong, something terribly wrong.

"i'm sorry, iwa-chan", oikawa looked down, hands tightly balled in fists, "i fucked up."

_burn your hand, burn your hand, burn your hand._

"it's back, iwa-chan. it's back and i'm scared. i didn't mean to fuck-"

iwaizumi kissed him again.

he pulled back, and again.

kiss after kiss after kiss after kiss.

"shut up, oikawa. just shut up." his best friend buried his face in his neck, pulling him closer and closer until there was no space left between them.

until he could feel every inch of his body on his.

"you didn't do anything wrong. tell that voice to shut up, be stronger." oikawa started crying.

"it hurts."

_punishment, punishment, punishment._

_burn your hand, burn your hand burnyourhandburnyourhandburn-_

"you're stronger."

"i'm not, i can't do this- I need to-"

"I love you."

and his head was empty.

quiet.

peaceful.

warm.

and in iwaizumi's arms, his strong arms, his best friend, his crush, his partner- in those arms oikawa felt loved.

someone like him, was he really lovable?

well, it seemed so.


End file.
